One of my favorite ways to get off the phone is fake call waiting.
When I lived in New York and right before I moved to L.A. I was talking to Larry David. Every few minutes he'd say, "Hold on, I'm getting another call." And I would hear nothing.
No beep.
I assumed he was making up the beep because that was something I would do if only I had known about it.
The next year I moved to L.A. One day I was talking on the phone and got a beep-in. I told the person to hold while I took the other call.
When I lived in New York and right before I moved to L.A. I was talking to Larry David. Every few minutes he'd say, "Hold on, I'm getting another call." And I would hear nothing.
No beep.
I assumed he was making up the beep because that was something I would do if only I had known about it.
The next year I moved to L.A. One day I was talking on the phone and got a beep-in. I told the person to hold while I took the other call.
"What other call? I didn't hear anything."
So of course I started saying I had another call all the time because some, or all, people aren't that fascinating and talk about diseases that I'm pretty sure they make up which is why no one else will take their calls but me because I'm retarded. I'm talking to you, Pam. (not the non-stick vegetable spray)
So. Pretend Beep. Then I would push the call-waiting button and put them on hold. When I pushed the button again I would get them back and say, "I gotta take this call; it's New York."
Now EVERYONE knows that when you get a call from New York it's automatically more important than a call from any other state. If you say New York people murmur appreciatively and assume you're getting a call from an agent or an invitation to be tied up with neckties while being flown to Atlantic City in a helicopter.* But if you say Kansas the inevitable response is "Can you get rid of them?" So it's always better to get pretend calls from New York.
For years I never told anyone what I did. Then I let it slip to someone (probably the drinking years) and immediately forgot about it. (definitely the drinking years) So the next time I had her on the phone I pulled the "Igottatakethiscallit'sNewYork" and my friend said, "Real New York or Fake New York?"
So I had to phase her out which was fine by me because I'm pretty sure she wasn't dying of the 'Indianitis' that turned her skin darker during the summer while she sat by the pool.
And people say I'm a liar.
*and that, my friends, is what is known as a callback.
So of course I started saying I had another call all the time because some, or all, people aren't that fascinating and talk about diseases that I'm pretty sure they make up which is why no one else will take their calls but me because I'm retarded. I'm talking to you, Pam. (not the non-stick vegetable spray)
So. Pretend Beep. Then I would push the call-waiting button and put them on hold. When I pushed the button again I would get them back and say, "I gotta take this call; it's New York."
Now EVERYONE knows that when you get a call from New York it's automatically more important than a call from any other state. If you say New York people murmur appreciatively and assume you're getting a call from an agent or an invitation to be tied up with neckties while being flown to Atlantic City in a helicopter.* But if you say Kansas the inevitable response is "Can you get rid of them?" So it's always better to get pretend calls from New York.
For years I never told anyone what I did. Then I let it slip to someone (probably the drinking years) and immediately forgot about it. (definitely the drinking years) So the next time I had her on the phone I pulled the "Igottatakethiscallit'sNewYork" and my friend said, "Real New York or Fake New York?"
So I had to phase her out which was fine by me because I'm pretty sure she wasn't dying of the 'Indianitis' that turned her skin darker during the summer while she sat by the pool.
And people say I'm a liar.
*and that, my friends, is what is known as a callback.
