Blogs, Blogger, Blogging. When did this all go so horribly wrong?
People ask me why I hate blogs. Let me count the ways:
1. PEOPLE WHO POST EVERY DAY
I'm sure you think your life is fascinating and needs to be published on a daily basis. Really? Have you read you?
2. PEOPLE WHO THINK THEIR KIDS ARE THE CHRIST CHILD
The only cutesy thing I ever want to hear your child say is: "Mom, here's a sitcom contract and a million dollars for Suzy Soro." If, however, your child invents something to replace blogging, please call me at 1-800-WISHINGFORDEATH.
3. TRAVELING HUSBANDS
Where are your husbands traveling to all the time? To the towns where their second families live, that's where. Wake up and smell the alimony.
4. HUSBANDS WHO NEVER TRAVEL
Also boring.
5. YOUR RECIPES
Dear God the recipes! The moment I see the words "2 Teaspoons" I'm off to my Suicide Farm in the South of France. Seriously, if your kids didn't suck the pantry dry you'd be able to have meals out.
6. YOUR DIETS
Stop stuffing your feelings into enchiladas. Take up drug addiction or smoking, both of which are guaranteed to drop 10 pounds in a matter of days. I'll be in rehab if anyone wants me.
7. PICTURES OF YOUR GARDENS
Taking pictures of your heirloom tomatoes and flowers is the first sign of old age. My family did this and I have shelves of 8 millimeter films of roses blowing in a slight breeze with elevator music playing in the background and my sister and I hiding behind potted plants. I've spent entire therapy sessions asking my shrink WHY COULDN'T I JUST BE ADOPTED LIKE NORMAL CHINESE GIRL BABIES?
8. PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY'RE FUNNY
Have you looked up the definition of Funny? Here it is: arousing or provoking laughter. Notice eye rolling is missing from the definition.
9. PEOPLE WHO THINK OTHER BLOGGERS ARE FUNNY
If you tell me that you FELL OUT OF YOUR CHAIR laughing at a site I will demand to see a picture of this event. The last person to fall out of a chair laughing was Jim Carrey and he was paid twenty million dollars to do it. You also did not LMAO at anyone's blog. Because if you had, pictures of you without an ass would have gone viral and you'd be negotiating a deal with Bravo TV for your own reality show, "Just Because You Don't Have An Ass Doesn't Mean You're Not An Asshole."
10. PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY'RE CRAZY
Let me be the first to assure you that you're not crazy. Gary Busey is crazy. Living in Missouri with 2 kids, a cat, 2 dogs and a kooky neighbor is NOT crazy. It's what everyone else is doing. Sadly.
11. STOP THE POOP I WANT TO GET OFF
I never want to read about your kid's swirly poop, your wacky in-laws' disapproving poop, your boss and his executive poop, your divorced-and-fighting-the-prenup poop or the poop that ate Chicago. That I even have to mention this has set me back two years in therapy.
And to wind up Edition Number 107 of Everybody Can Bite Me Friday, I will leave you with this annoying factoid: J.K. Rowling had no middle name and UK publishers were afraid boys wouldn't want to buy the first Harry Potter book if they knew a woman named Joanne had written it. So she borrowed the name of a favorite relative and became J.K. Rowling. Maybe your kid or your heirloom tomato could find a cure for sexism. That would be great, thanks.
So the Bite Me Award of the Week goes to the Unimaginative Blogger. There's a big world out there! Go live it! I'd say I'll be waiting by my Google Reader but we all know I won't be.
End of chat.
***And if you think blogging is still popular or a way to get a book deal or make you famous, better read this first.
