Many of these went right into my act. And? It's a lot easier to pick jokes from others than to choose your own.
**Never brag that you can get ready in 2 minutes. Someone will see you later and say, What happened, you look like you got ready in 2 minutes.
**MTV has a new reality show called "I Used To Be Fat." I'm going to pitch them my reality show, "I Used To Watch MTV."
**Cops celebrating Christmas at a Mexican restaurant = Police Navidad.
**Today I got up on the wrong side of the floor.
**I've always lied about my age. Even when I was 2 I said I hadn't been born yet.
**My girlfriend lied to me and said she and her new boyfriend hadn't had sex yet. Please, I was driving the car.
**Costco changed their layout. What used to take me an hour to find I'm now just going to learn to live without.
**I'd like to hear the dinner table talk at Chris Martin's house: "Gwyneth, I'm the fucking singer."
**I hate it when you walk into those Spanish language classes and the teacher says Hola! Like we're all supposed to know what that means.
**I was talking to a guy at a bar and used the word germane and he said, “I don’t think the Germans pronounce the e.
**Our family crest is 4 people clutching dead memories and daring the others to let go first.
**I moved far away from my parents because they're annoying. When I meet the person who invented the telephone I will kill them.
**Never keep your flashlight and your vibrator in the same drawer because eventually? One night you're going to be very disappointed.
**I know it's football season but the only thing I know about sports is that OJ was guilty.
**The greatest thing about an earthquake warning is that there's really no reason to dust.
**This month is National Month Awareness Month.
**People think California never suffers from weather but today we're under a DQ Blizzard warning.
**I'm going to lie down and watch movies all day. Not sure the people at the Multiplex are going to be thrilled about that.
**My sister is so addicted to exercise she joined a 12 step program. I don't think it's working because now she's up to 24 steps.
**By the time I get back to a size 4 all the clothes in my closet will be vintage.
