Adventures In Man Land 4

I've been engaged three times. The first time I had my heart set on a white strapless gown. By the second engagement, I decided on an off-white dress. By the third time I just bought something I could return.

My first fiance was young and in the Army.

The Salvation Army.

He was so immature that on April Fool's Day he put polygrip in my diaphragm. I walked around all day sounding like a plunger.

One day he shaved his head.

"Why did you do that?"
"I'm trying to make my head look bigger."
"I wish you'd shave another part of your anatomy."

My second fiance gave me a big diamond ring, only there was no diamond. I had to keep telling people it dropped out and he kept telling people I lost it. He should have just put polygrip in it.

My third attempt at matrimony was creepy. He was 20 years older than me. He took me to meet his parents and I said, "Wow, this is a lovely cemetery."

He got mad at me because I kept putting our mortgage on a credit card. Finally I said to him, "That's not so bad. Our mortgage is $900.00 but our monthly minimum payment is only $76.50.
"If you had been alive in the 18th century you would have had to go to Debtor's prison." He said.
"Really? If they had that today I'd be on death row."

I don't think people should get a license for marriage. I think they should get Viagra, a gym membership, hair plugs and a warranty for parts and labor.

They do it so much better in the animal kingdom. The bald eagle mates and remains faithful for life. But I'll bet if he had some hair he'd be out screwing around.

End of chat.

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Adventures In Man Land 3

After reading the comments section yesterday, I see a lot of us have the same problem when a man is driving a car. In my case, when he's driving, it's always, "We'll take a right at the light, we'll go left at the exit and take a U turn off the interstate." When I’m driving he'll say, "Get in the southbound lane, go west at that intersection and go north and south off the interstate." Like I'm Davy Crockett and there's a sundial in the car.

I hate driving with him. He reads every road sign out loud. Food, Gas, Lodging, 65 mph, 280 miles to Cleveland, which would scare me because we'd be in California at the time.

And another thing,why do men watch so much sports on TV? Is it because they can't read? Doctors claim men don't need as much anesthesia as women before surgery. For women, they just give them intravenous Valium and for men, they just turn on a TV.

Why are men such babies when they're sick? The guy next door got a head cold and he said to me, "I think my arm is going to fall off. I blew my nose and it was all wobbly and stuff."

Breaking up with a man is such a pain in the ass. I broke up with one guy and he said, "You know what your problem is? You have penis envy." And I said, "You're right, but not for yours".

I dumped another guy and said, "I just want to be your friend; I don't want to sleep with you anymore."And he said, "What's the definition of 'a friend' to you?" And I replied, "A friend is someone who will do anything for you." And he said, "Then lend me $500 and help me move next week. " And I said, "I think I could still fuck you."

End of chat.

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Adventures In Man Land 2

If you're not a MILF, then what are you when men start cruising you at the bank and H&R Block Premium? A RWILF? I make them laugh and then they make skid marks to the exit. Because men say they want a girl with a good sense of humor, which means someone who laughs at all their jokes, but not someone who makes a living off it and makes as much as they do.

I'm now in one of those relationships where when it's his birthday, we're getting along fine and when it's my birthday; we're not. The first time we had sex, he said to me, “I’ve been with a 100 women. How many men have you been with. Three?” and I replied, “Three, four hundred, somewhere around there.”

Meanwhile, I had three the first time.

Shit, Ellen’s had three.

He’s a type A personality. He gets up at 4:00 am every day. I'm a type Z personality. I get up every other day.

I wish he was more like me. I love to gossip. You'll never hear two men on the phone going, "So Bill, what happened to Stanley's hair?"

We fight over his driving. We took a trip to the desert and I fell asleep for 10 minutes. When I woke up there was snow everywhere. "Where are we?” I asked, and he said "I'm not really sure but I think we're almost in Palm Springs." I said, "Really? Well, why don't we pull over and ask these Canadian Mounties exactly where we are? "

If you sift through history, it has always been man’s job to get us lost. Remember when Moses wandered in the desert with the Jews for 40 years? That was supposed to be a 10 day trip. And the whole time Moses' wife was in the caravan going, "Moses, don't be a schmuck. You’re killing me here. Pull into the oasis; ask Achmed how to get there." Do you know why Moses had to part the Red Sea? He couldn't find his way around.

You know sometimes you're on a plane and the pilot's voice comes over the loud speaker, "We're just circling until we have permission to land."

He's lying, he’s looking for the airport.

End of chat.

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Adventures In Man Land

The symbol for love is an arrow through the heart. You know a teenage girl in the 17th century came up with that design. And as she aged she probably thought about changing it and then realized, "No, that's about right."

I've had trouble with men from the moment I started dating. My first real boyfriend got hit by a truck. My second boyfriend had a heart attack at 32. My third boyfriend called me up one day and said, “You know, I think you’re a jinx”. And I said, “How do you figure?” But then the phone went dead because you’re only allowed those ten minute calls from prison.

The first thing I look for in a man is a man who cooks, because I don’t cook. I’ll eat out, I’ll take out, I’ll put out but I ain't cooking. When I get my dream house, I’m not even going to build a kitchen. I’m going to have them put a KFC in on the ground floor.

Did you ever notice how when you ask a man a question, they're afraid to answer? That's because they're convinced there's a right and a wrong answer and they want to be right. They always want to be right. But what they don't understand is no matter what they say, it's always going to be wrong because they're the guy.

Did you ever go out with a really horrible guy, a real asshole, and pray he would never call you? And then when he never calls you’re like, I cannot believe that jerk never called me again. Then when he finally does call we say we have to wash our hair. Recently I ran into my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend. He shared with me that they had just returned from rehab and I was so upset. This guy had never taken me anywhere.

I once dated identical twins. Well, not EXACTLY identical. Twins is such a weird concept. One is born and then the other one shoots out right behind him. Basically one comes faster, which is how I could always tell them apart.

End of chat.

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