It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

The Doctor, the first boyfriend I had in NY, was on The Real Housewives of New York last night. While I Twittered with the East Coast one person remarked The Doctor wasn't good looking. So Connie, here's what he looked like when we first met. He's 18 years older than I am although I always say 20 because it makes me feel better. He has that Open Collar Chains Around The Neck thing going on and he's not even Italian.



Actually there was one boyfriend in front of him, Peter The Attorney. But it was doomed on the morning at his parent's house in Westhampton when Peter scratched his balls in front of his mother. Hand down the pants, scratching and jiggling as if The Holy Trinity had measles. Next! Peter and me a thousand years ago. I USED TO SMOKE!! And have Vidal Sassoon do my hair!!



All these *me* and *I* words that I have to conjugate correctly. Large groan on toast.

Back to The Doctor. There's nothing quite so infuriating as being in show business and spending enormous amounts of time trying to get back on TV and seeing your millionaire ex with his townhouse in Manhattan and his home in upstate New York appear on a TV show. Rude.



The Doctor was married when I met him. He and The Countess had an open marriage. Sometimes she and her boyfriend and The Doctor and I would double date. The Doctor and The Countess sat up front in their black Mercedes while her boyfriend and I sat in the back, sobbing and looking forward to a free meal.

The Doctor cheated on me. He had lots of girlfriends all over the U.S. and probably Canada. He also raced a Formula Atlantic and owned the car in the above picture. Women love a race car driver so never buy your man a $500,000 car.



Many people think sex addiction is just a phrase that's used as an excuse for bad behavior. And now some neurosurgeons believe the brain can tell whether or not you're predisposed to cheating. So not only does a person have to pass muster in the Car, Shoes and Penis Length department, now he'd better show up with an MRI. One clear of pale red blobs on either side of the temporal lobes.



The Doctor was not only a cheater but a control freak as well. It appears Tiger Woods is also and Jesse James?



The decision to let my wife end our marriage, and continue the adoption of Louis on her own..." James told People.



LET your wife? It's 2010, asshole, not 1959. Sandy, leave the kids and run for your life. Jesse will find another babysitter, I mean stepmother, and then those kids will be out of your life in any event. You are setting them up for a world of hurt by staying in their lives. My Dad had 4 wives, I know what I'm talking about.



Yesterday's Oprah with Rielle Hunter talking about John Edwards unearthed the worst kind of cheater. The cheater who falls in love. If a man is cheating for sex alone yes, it means there's something wrong in the marriage and if you believe in sex addiction, something wrong with the man. But when he falls in love? Just call your attorney and get on with your life.



So to all the men who dare to cheat on movie stars or have the nerve to appear on TV shows before their ex-girlfriend becomes a TV star, I award you the coveted, only not really, Bite Me Award.

End of chat.

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It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

As little as I believe in marriage, I was still shocked that Sandra Bullock's might be falling apart. But having been in relationships and worked around men my entire adult life I'm not really as shocked as I pretend. I think women are just incredibly naive about what makes men tick. To quote my friend Joy Behar, "Never marry them, they just take you for granted."

Everyone should walk away from a cheater. When you forgive a cheater you've basically said, "Here's the key to room 1703 at the Motel 6. Please don't get caught this time." And the cheater will oblige. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but they will eventually cheat again because something is wrong in the marriage. To err is human; to forgive is bullshit.

I've been cheated on before.

I've also cheated.

The one and only time I cheated was with The Doctor, a man who was sleeping with half of New York City, so I felt I was *owed.* When I told him I was going to Hong Kong with another man he got dressed in the middle of the night and said he couldn't look at me anymore, didn't want me to touch him and that he had to go home. To his wife.

In my defense, and his too sort of, he and his wife had an open marriage and I was in my 20's and he was rich and powerful and yes I had Daddy issues. I was a really bad Lifetime movie.

Here's a tip ladies, never withhold sex as a weapon. It doesn't work. I know too many men who just went out and got it elsewhere. I work in a male dominated field. I've seen the happiest of married men blithely cheat because they were out of town and some waitress was more than happy to oblige. And? Blow jobs aren't sex!

If I still smoked I would light up right about now.

Sandra Bullock, Halle Berry, Uma Thurman, Reese Witherspoon, all these beautiful women have been cheated on and have walked away, at least I hope Bullock walks away. They are brave women. It takes courage to walk away. It also takes money. But mainly courage.

So to you Jesse James, you who let Sandra get up in front of millions and millions of people world wide and say she was finally happy and doing her best work ever because YOU HAD HER BACK, you my friend, are an asshole. And you're not my friend.

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