First of all, when did "I'm pregnant" become "We're pregnant." Something that takes a man 3 minutes in the bedroom and a half an hour in the bathroom with a Penthouse Magazine does not qualify him to be pregnant. Maybe if the numbers were reversed.
MAYBE.
Then there's that whole baby gender thing.
"Do you know what you're having?"
"Yes, but we're not telling anyone."
Why not? Because it might be a baby elephant and you want to corner that reality show market all to yourselves? There are only 2 choices, people. And thanks for making gift giving impossible for your friends who now are at a Big and Tall store in New Jersey looking for a size 56 onesie on the off chance it is a large mammal.
And the naming secret? YOU'RE NOT ELECTING A POPE. Give us a chance to talk you out of the hideous 1878 name you have chosen to anchor around your little girl's neck. Or save the couple I know whose last name rhymes with Banker. They kept their little boy's name under wraps until he was born and then it was revealed his name was Conrad. So he will go through school as Connie the Wanker. Brilliant.
And women, for the love of God, I do NOT want to see your over-extended stretch-marked stomach in a bikini on any beach in the world. What are you afraid of, that we won't figure out you're pregnant and will instead think you've put on 60 pounds of belly-button fat? If you're not going to cover it all up, then at least have the decency to walk backwards.
And when you're holding your hand underneath your stomach why don't you just use the Semaphore Flag Signalling System? BECAUSE WE CAN'T FIGURE OUT YOU'RE PREGNANT WITHOUT THEM. Again, we know you're not fat. Well, some of you might be but you know me, I hate to judge. Stop with the hand to stomach algorithm because it's not going to fall to your ankles in your 5th month. Unless it's a baby elephant after all and then you'll have bigger problems than finding that size 56 onesie.
And that whole "You're so sexy when you're pregnant?" Are your girlfriends telling you that? Is the butcher giving you bigger cuts of meat for free? Is the mailman making a pass? NO.
The only person who says that is your husband and that's because you cancelled his Penthouse subscription and he's too cheap to pay for a hooker.
End of chat.
