I hate the holidays. They're phony and annoying and for God's sakes, hasn't anyone written a new Christmas song in fifty years?
The cheap store gifts get more lame every year.
Yesterday at the drug store I saw a Talking Fly Swatter while waiting in line to buy some heroin. I didn't have time to peruse the box to see exactly WHEN this fly swatter talked. As it approached the fly? "Here I come, fucker."
As it was slamming the fly into a wall? "Gotcha, fucker."
Or maybe after it killed the fly? "Take THAT, fucker."
I once owned a toilet paper dispenser that played Elvis Presley songs when you rolled the paper. Now that was a great idea since that's where Elvis was found, dead on the loo. Of course people who came over thought I was crazy because they didn't know their Elvis history, which I found sacrilegious and unacceptable.
But a Talking Fly Swatter? If the world blows up tomorrow and aliens find a Talking Fly Swatter clutched in my hands I'm going to be so embarrassed. Dead, but embarrassed.
And I'm not going to say Happy Holidays to anyone. I'll be saying Merry Christmas. I've never had a black person say Happy Kwanzaa to me. No Jews have wished me a Happy Hanukkah and WHEN are the Jewish people going to agree on a spelling of that word?
If my Jewish friends wish me a Merry Christmas and I wish them a Happy Chanukah (see what I mean about the spelling?) then everything gets all messed up and I'm probably going to have to be circumcised. That's why I wish everyone a Merry Christmas. I can spell it and keep my penis intact.
For all the talk of living green, Christmas is not 'green.' All that wrapping paper, all those boxes. I don't live entirely green, like hardly at all really, unless you count leaving cans outside the dumpster for the homeless to pick up. But it hurts me that others aren't picking up my slack.
Why do parents keep buying their kids new phones? Where do the old phones go? Why do people keep buying themselves new phones? Where do their old ones go?
Why do you need a cell phone to know what time the movie starts? It's the only cinema in your neighborhood and they haven't changed the times since 1976. Do you really need to find the nearest sushi restaurant even though there is only an Applebees and an IHOP in your neck of the woods?
And what's with the sudden need for a GPS system on your phone? Why do you need directions to go to the Wal Mart in your own town? You've been there a gillion times; it's where you first had sex with the oboe player in the band. And then the rest of the band. You could be buried there and your family would know exactly where to put the headstone.
God I hate the holidays.
I'm buying everyone a Talking Fly Swatter.
End of chat.
