Not The One With Rock Hudson And Doris Day

When my sister Lindy first started modeling in New York she got a lot of different jobs. But when she booked her first cover shoot I was very proud of her even though I'd never heard of the magazine.

She called our Dad, who was living in Florida, and excitedly told him she had been chosen to do not one but two covers for a magazine called Pillow Talk. (not this one) She gave him the date the first one would hit newstands and then forgot all about it.

The day the magazine came out Lindy's agent called to tell her and she ran to the nearest kiosk. She came home and waved it in my face and said OH NO OH NO OH NO!!! I'd never seen her so excited.

But it wasn't exactly excitement.

It was more dread.

And fear.

Of the loss of her inheritance:
By the time she called Dad to say the magazine was NOT repeat NOT repeat NOT EVER coming out he had already bought it.

Thank God the next month they only used her body:


End of chat.

READ MORE - Not The One With Rock Hudson And Doris Day

Ex-Boyfriends And Small Dogs Are Both Mental

This picture was taken back in the early 80's, here in California. I had been invited to an ex-boyfriend's house to meet his new girlfriend because men actually think that's something their ex-girlfriends want to do.

And I did.

A chance to judge, to mock, to talk about it later with anyone I could get on the phone, are you kidding me? WHEN DO WE LEAVE?

I was in town from New York and had my dog Kiko with me. My ex had always preferred the dog to me so what else is new.

Kiko loved anything that was as small as he was and breathed. He almost lost his eyes millions of times because he could not resist a cat. Even when they hissed at him, bared their teeth and lifted a paw to strike, Kiko would just look at me plaintively. He was like that kid at the park who can't find anyone to play with.

So we're at the ex's and someone had a baby with them. A tiny, breathing baby. So naturally Kiko went over to say hello.

I interrupt this broadcast for breaking 80's fashion news.

See the inset below of my sister's foot in those white shoes? (The actual picture is the last one in this post) Those sandals were from Giorgio of Beverly Hills. At the time they cost $198, which means they would cost about $895 today. I was with Lindy when she bought them, days before the visit with my ex, and Giorgio's, like many great boutiques, served champagne to their customers as they shopped. Alcohol and shopping go really well together. As do bankruptcy and a low FICO score.I remembered that Lindy had eventually grown tired of the shoes and given them to me. She also did this with an actor named Jack Scalia. As you can see, he was much cuter than the shoes.

It's hard to visualize but those little oval things popping up from the shoe were gold leaves. I emailed Lindy the pictures and asked her if she remembered the shoes. This is what she wrote back:

Of course I remember those shoes!!!! I just forgot that I had given them to you. You're right- they were from Giorgio's because in those days I only shopped in Beverly Hills, had a maid, had facials every ten seconds and full-served my gas tank! Those WERE the days. Did I mention that I had membership to about 1700 gyms and did Karen Voight's class every day which cost more that gym membership anywhere in L.A. in those days?

I only started saving $ when I realized that I wasn't going to live forever.

This is the difference between us. I'm not going to live forever so I double-up on my shopping. This might explain why my sister is richer than I am. But I'll be better dressed in the casket. Stop groaning, you know you were thinking the same thing.

Anyway, end of fashion news, back to the baby and Kiko. The baby, like a cat, was not amused by my dog and started pounding on his head. Babies are mean.

READ MORE - Ex-Boyfriends And Small Dogs Are Both Mental

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

When I was a kid I asked my parents over and over if there was any possibility that we could be Jewish. I have no idea why I asked them but I really wanted to be Jewish. And adopted. Surely these two cretins could not be my biological parents.

Religion was not a big deal in our house. Mom dragged me and Lindy to mass every Sunday where I sat and muttered under my breath how much I hated her church.

She wanted to become a nun when she was 17 and Dad was an alter boy at his church. Although in the above picture he looks like an alter man.

Religion didn't stick on any of us. I left home at 17 and that was the end of all church going activities in our family. Lindy got out of it 2 years earlier THANKS TO ME. Today we can't even sit in a church and listen without eye rolling each other. We wish people got married at bars. Or maybe a nice seafood restaurant down by the beach.

Dad always insisted that his side of the family was Scottish. No Jews.

Our Dad was a notorious pack rat. It took me 3 years to wade through his papers and possessions after he died. I removed this book from the apartment in Florida. It looked old so I figured I should take it. You know, so I could start my own hoarding traditions. The book is called Life of Washington by the Hon. J.T. Headley.

It was published in 1860, the year I was born. Inside is the name Walter Kummerer, neatly and artistically written in black ink. From something called an inkwell, for all you Justin Bieber fans.

After I found the book I asked my mother if she remembered the last name of my grandmother. She replied that it was Kauffman. I said I thought Dad's mom was Scottish but mom insisted on the name Kauffman.

So I went through our family tree and discovered that my great, great, great grandmother was named Kauffman. Her daughter married a Kummerer and their daughter married a Scot.

So my mom was right. Only she got the last name of my grandmother wrong. How did she know the great, great, great grandmother's name but not the immediate grandmother's name?

As everyone who reads me knows by now, I believe in reincarnation. I believe Mom remembered the name because she was part of that family in a former life. There is no other explanation. I'd say she had a great memory but she recently went to Greece and gave me the wrong departure date. And arrival back in Paris date. And then blamed it all on me.

When I was 5 years old I used to say that I wanted to go to California to see Cindy and Cincy. My parents always asked me who they were and I would always reply: Cindy and Cincy. Like my parents were the two dumbest people in the world.

While my Dad was alive I looked over our family tree one evening and discovered that a woman named Cinzie, real name Christina, had been in our family and died in the early 1900's. I clearly met her on the other side. Because who in the hell ever heard of someone named Cinzie?

I dedicate this Friday's Bite Me post to organized religion because I never knew I was part Jewish and I'm sure it's the Pope's fault.

End of chat.

READ MORE - It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

My Sister And I Were Destined For Fame?

Our parents pimped us out at a very young age. In a newspaper. And people wonder how we both ended up in rehab, or as I like to refer to it, show business.

How did my mother get that roll of hair on my sister and why DID SHE GET ALL THE ATTENTION GROWING UP?

Thank God I was funny. And made a living off it. Did my sister make money off her curly FUCKING hair? NO.

READ MORE - My Sister And I Were Destined For Fame?

How You Can Tell If A Dog Likes You

This is Boris the Bernese Mountain Dog. He weighs 120 pounds even though his owner says he weighs 80 pounds. Why lie about how much your dog weighs? It's not like Boris is in Weight Watcher's and hoping to eventually squeeze into a size 4.He loves my sister so much that when she runs into Boris and his owners, Boris breaks away and runs straight for Lindy, raises up on his hind legs and with his full 6 foot frame tries to knock her over. She thinks it's funny. I think it's a lawsuit.

If Boris likes you he'll walk up from behind and shove his snout in between your legs. He uses you like a cheap revolving door. If he were wearing a saddle I could see the advantage in this action but instead? I think it's a lawsuit.

Boris is as gentle as a lamb, although that's an expression no one can really verify as most of us did not grow up with a lamb and for all we know lambs are nasty, evil little biters. That nursery rhyme about Mary, "He followed her to school one day, school one day, school one day" should have been a tip off that he was trouble. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MARY THE LAMB IS LOOSE. I don't know why we hide the truth from kids. One day they're going to grow up and try to pet a lamb and probably die.

After I spent a few hours at my sister's, Boris stuck his snout in between my legs and tried to get through. It was the closest I'd been to sex in a while so I didn't really mind. I just hope he used protection.

My foot. His paw. My foot is the one on the left.

READ MORE - How You Can Tell If A Dog Likes You

Do You Need A Facelift?

This is one of the easiest ways to determine whether or not you need a face lift and what you'll look like after one. I've used my sister Lindy as the subject because it's always appropriate to humiliate members of your family in a small venue like the Internet.



While sitting up look at yourself in a hand mirror.

Then lie down on your back and look at yourself again in the same mirror.

Lindy was so depressed after she saw these results she asked me if I had a scalpel on me.



Like I'd do her before me. So selfish.



And if you can't tell the difference between the two then get your eyes checked. Seriously. Now. On a Sunday. Hurry.

READ MORE - Do You Need A Facelift?

Going Down To Santa Monica For More Of This

Look at my mother's face. She had just completed a 24 hour meltdown at Lindy's. Underneath her sunglasses my sister is rolling her eyes at me. Plus she's wearing that size 2 slash 6 dress that is 26 years old and fit her like a glove.

My mother refused to eat or talk, preferring instead to stare balefully at the camera while keeping a death grip on Yoshi's leash. He is underneath the table saying 10 Hail Mary's and 10 Our Father's.
My sister has her Madonna arms out on display. She does that to torture me. It always works, especially when the fat on my upper underarm swings back and forth and hits her in the face.

They got back to Santa Monica and my mother went straight into the kitchen, saying she was starved. They both went to bed with their sunglasses on.

End of chat.

READ MORE - Going Down To Santa Monica For More Of This