I don't do holidays. Especially this one, which apparently involves no gifts.
Mothers across America are lying to their children, telling them the Easter Bunny is coming and using Easter as an excuse to eat 3 pounds of chocolate which they've stolen from their happily naive kids who they've sent off into the wild to search for their favorite candy, the hard boiled egg.
One of my exes, The Impotentate (Go ahead, figure it out. I'll wait.) was married to a very pretty woman. In the 7 years we were together, we spent a lot of holidays with her, their son and her new husband, Hopefully Not Impotent. She decorated for every holiday and Easter was a week of plastic and glass bunnies, fake green grass and baskets with a handle which cannot be used as a designer bag, NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRIED.
To quote the late, great comedian Sam Kinison. "If Jesus is coming back, don't you think he's gonna be pissed when he sees that people are wearing the place he died around their necks?"
You've heard this question, "If you could eat dinner with anyone from the past, who would it be?" And people always say Jesus. Frankly, if I'd been at The Last Supper I'd have been bored to distraction with him.
ME: So let me get this straight, you have no job?
JC: Correct.
ME: So you have no money?
JC: Correct.
ME: And you live with your Mother?
JC: Correct.
ME: Yo Judas, wait up.
End of chat.
