Of course I asked everyone at the yard sale to look at it.
"Looks like a pimple to me."
"Gross."
"It's a cyst."
"It's not cancer."
"Stop touching eet." (Mom)
"It might be cancer."
"Maybe it's that flesh eating thing."
"That little thing? It's nothing."
"Isn't that how Swine Flu starts, on your ear?"
"Mon Dieu, stop touching eet." (You know who)
Dr. Hurty Ear said the blob on my ear was from a new disease going around. The dreaded SLEEPING ON ONE SIDE TOO LONG and irritating the cartilage. The remedy? SLEEP ON THE OTHER SIDE. I had to pay $100 just to turn over. So I took a free 0.5 oz. sample of spf 70 sunblock because airlines must be flying to the sun these days.
I was cleaning out my medicine chest one day a few years ago and found a tube of hemorrhoid cream. It wasn't Preparation H but it had hemorrhoid use written on it. Did someone sneak it into my medicine chest? You know, the hemorrhoidal guest who puts it on in your bathroom and then forgets he doesn't live there and leaves it in your medicine cabinet? God, do I even KNOW people like that?
I threw it out.
So while I was in the waiting room yesterday I sat across from a girl who had all this goop on her skin. Then she kept sniffing into a Kleenex so I thought maybe she was in trouble (dying in the waiting room) so I asked her if she was all right. She said she was there for laser treatments, her third in a series. I couldn't help but notice she had really bad cystic acne.
The goop on her face was numbing cream and so much had dropped on her lips that she looked like Lisa Rinna. She held up a jar of lidocaine and said she bought it at Dr. Hurty Ear's.
Then I went into a trance and vaguely remembered that one time when I was in NY I went to a Plastic Surgeon's with a friend and I heard the nurse say they had numbing cream for sale. So I bought some for my Botox treatments in L.A. I got back to Hollywood and stuck it in my medicine chest and promptly stopped having regular Botox treatments.
IT WAS THE TUBE THAT WAS ALSO USED FOR HEMORRHOIDS.
End of chat.
