I would like to address the people who write TV and movie scripts. What the hell are you thinking?
For example, there's always a cop asking a heartbroken, beat-up, devastated divorced woman if she would like a glass of water. Have you EVER in your life craved a glass of water after getting dumped? Or after catching your husband cheating in your own bed and you've collapsed on the floor, would you want to awaken to a nice glass of Evian with a lemon slice?
How come a woman is never offered a vodka rocks? When my neighbor in D.C. had to tell me my father had just gotten married out of state TO A WOMAN WE DIDN'T KNOW AND HE WAS NO LONGER LIVING IN OUR HOUSE, this neighbor told me to sit down and poured me a scotch. I swallowed it in one gulp and I hate scotch but I was very, very grateful for that drink.
Now they'll give men an alcoholic beverage, no questions asked. In various scenes men repair to bar stools and crack open a cold one, or a 150 year-old cognac if they're at the Mafioso's house and one of them has just shot the other's brother. Are women such delicate flowers that after we kill someone we can only handle a Crystal Light?
Fuckers. Let me write a script and everyone will be drunk from beginning to The End.
"Honey, where have you been?"
"I had to get a mammogram today."
"Sit down, I'll make you an herbal tea."
"GET ME A HEROIN SPRITZER YOU TWIT, it fucking HURT."
The other completely retarded thing in scripts is when a man is close to a woman and he says "You smell wonderful; what are you wearing?" and she replies:
"Nothing. It's just me."
Say WHAT? Yes, we may put on perfume or body lotion after a shower and before we see you. Then we both go to dinner and let the smells of garlic and sea bass engulf us. Then we hit the streets where the humidity pounds it all into one emulsion that envelops us like a cape of old sardine tins a cat wouldn't touch. Then we kiss and start to sweat knowing the clothes are coming off soon. By the time we hit the sheets WITH THE LIGHTS ON we need to repair to the bathroom to spray ourselves with Febreze. THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SMELLING when you tell us we smell good. And no I won't lie down on the floor and freshen up your area rug. I mean she won't lie down.
End of chat.
