Mailbag # 11

As with past mailbags these anonymous lines are pulled from the emails I get. Some of my friends need therapy. I, on the other hand, have already had 5 therapists and am completely cured. Only I don't remember from what.

-I stopped blogging altogether when I realized I had nothing else to say. Am now just working up the nerve to stab myself.

-You really are fucking with people, huh.

-I will be experiencing the incredible joy known as purchasing a new toilet. I am getting this environmental model for low-flow water. There are two buttons on the top. You press “1” for number one, and “2” for number two.

-To Anyone Who Apologizes for not posting enough. Don't apologize. Trust me, it's enough.

-Now we have to deal with the sick-fuck violent porn available 24/7. Forgive me, I've been watching Dexter.

-Should my Mom die, I will ask you in advance to restrain yourself from stealing the flowers off her grave.

-My family would get decent money if someone just shot me now.

-P.S. Should we ever be in a situation where I am zapped, breathing but unable to feed myself, please pull the plug.

-and...............who do we hate?

-I'm saving this email for my "when I feel like an asshole" file.

-So, aside from that, Jackie, did you like the parade?

- I keep having moments of nostalgia, then I hear Harmony, or Mister, or the fucking poodle across the street and I resume counting the minutes.

-I was snowed in on Wednesday, my BD, with the kids. Damn it. Yesterday I had no will to live. Today the sun was shining but I had to go to work. I am there now, having a blast. NOT.

-one of my friends at work suggested I let my hair go naturally gray and I almost vomited. When you hear me say that I’m letting my hair go gray/white/whatever, please notify the authorities as it means I require hospitalization.

READ MORE - Mailbag # 11

Mailbag # 10

More anonymous lines from emails I've received. If you want to out yourself, go ahead. And click on the label at the bottom of this post to read some of the other obscene and tragic one liners I've received from psychopaths I love. If I didn't use your line, it's because you're normal and I forgive you.

You need the respirator masks we use at the hospital for flu or TB patients. Of course they make a big deal about fitting everyone for the masks yearly, then we run out of sizes and have to wear whatever is left.

Texas is not part of the U.S.

We were sitting at the table after the show – it’s me, Estelle Getty and some assorted queens. Somebody brings up Esther Williams. Without missing a beat Estelle says, “She fucked everybody in Hollywood. What a slut.”

Went to the Encino Barnes & Noble today... Carol Leifer was having a book signing. I went over to Carol, chatted for a few minutes and dropped your name. For the record, this did not result in a free book. Either she didn't realize I was aiming for a freebie or Carol Leifer doesn't like you as much as she implied.

I packed plenty of Xanax.

As you know they post innocuous statements in our building elevators. The only one I have liked in the last 4 years has been from the Dalai Lama: “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” So today I almost spit up when the quote was from Kurt Cobain. Hello, didn’t he KILL HIMSELF?

Come on over. I've got a set of pliers and DUCT TAPE.

It's a small town where there was only ONE respectable town whore. You wouldn't want to be seen with any other whore, I assure you.

I've been struggling lately. It's all self-induced misery, so I'm a lucky bastard in actuality.

The bad blind date called. I kept the mental image of his disgustingly dirty residence.

Anyway, while I was gone the print shop put their brains on hold.

Too many blow jobs?

READ MORE - Mailbag # 10

Mailbag # 9

For new readers, I randomly post unedited lines from emails I get. They're all anonymous but you can out yourself if you want. I have strange, funny and demented friends. See the first 8 Mailbags under the label at the bottom of this post if you don't believe me.


-OH MY GOD!!!! I am so happy to hear from you that I would pee in my pants, were it not for the fact that I died of boredom 6 months ago!

-Here's an invite for you to be my friend on the site icanhascheezburger.com. This is where I keep my favorite funny pictures and other fun stuff. It'd be great if you could check it out and rate it or leave a comment.

-I sent you a ginuwine (sic) email and ginuwine (sic) interest in your site and its content. It's mind blowing that you would talk to someone who's a fan of your site the way you talked to me.

-My night was bordering on ruined.

-He quit blogging but nobody knows why.

-I had a psychic experience this morning. I had a dream last night that I made out with Harry Connick Jr., someone I would never think of, and when I turned on the TV he was on The Today Show!!!

-I do have a cousin that used to work for a record company and she "discovered" Barry Manilow!

-there used to be a hideous expression my mother and aunt would throw around with abandon at a point in my life when all I cared about was sex and drugs and how absolutely fabulous I thought I was...similar to the one you sent " getting older is not for sissys".....

-The best Thanksgiving I think I ever had was when I fed the homeless at the Santa Monica Civic Auditorium

-At that point I realized that the friendly stranger was Beth, Mrs. Dog-the-Bounty-Hunter. And then to confirm my identification of her, her cell phone rang, she answered it and said, "Oh hi Dwayne."

-Y tu mama tambien.

-I was in a rental car place the other day. A guy in a military haircut was wearing a t-shirt that said, “I may not be Mr. Right but I’ll fuck you until he gets here.”

-XXXXX has requested a recommendation as Atheist Grief Counselor at Godless Grief.

-Am I happy here? I'm a miserable fuck anywhere I go.

-Okay Suzy sorry to bother you. I won't email you bout group issues ever again.

READ MORE - Mailbag # 9

Mailbag # 8

This is the eighth installment of anonymous snippets from emails I've received. Click on the label at the end of this post to read the others. Or not. If you recognize your line and want to out yourself, go ahead. Or not.


I've been trying not to go on blogs at work at the moment just in case I get fired one day, they can't use my blogging as an excuse.

I was just at an indoor play-place with my wife and kids and none other than Britney Spears was there with her brood.

I love shoving you up things!

But if you're fucked up and depressed...it's those pills. They are so insidious. First they make you feel so good. Then they ruin your life. Typical relationship.

Some guy my husband works with was stopped for speeding the other day on his way to work. While the officer was talking to him, the car’s engine died. The cop asked "What's wrong with your car". The guy answered "It ran out of gas". The cop said "Well, you can go then." So the guy walked the rest of the way to work.

You have always done me the courtesy of telling me personally to fuck off as the need arises.

Can my love be bought so cheaply? Why yes it can.

We are broke right now.

Never mind that I had the shit beat out of me everyday when I was a kid for as long as I could remember. I died during child growth.

I adore your titanium ass and the thong you wrap it in.

How many personalities can he have?

I can cross the street without fear of being run over by a car.

Now I'll have to be an adult. Doesn't that suck?

I have never been able to stand that guy- never even read him- he’s just creepy to me.

Did he show you what shoes he was wearing? Because a quick unbraid of the pigtails and we have DOROTHY! ding, ding, ding.

I should have worked for the FBI.

End of Mailbag

READ MORE - Mailbag # 8